What should I do to be a good father?

Perhaps, right after the birth of a child, a man is somewhat unsure of what it means and what his father's role will mean. Most likely, while the spouse cares about the child, the man does not know what he can and should do. Our advice is to get involved! You should immediately take responsibility for various aspects of caring for your child. As soon as you start, you will quickly become a "professional".

Perhaps a man does not know what a young father can do. He can do everything except how to breast-feed the baby. He can even help a young mother express breast milk; and then can feed the child from the bottle. Also, a man can wake up at night to bring a child to his mother. Other things that a man is capable of doing include washing the child, preparing the child for bed, rocking and putting off the crumbs, changing diapers and other mother help.

Studies have shown that in our time fathers spend more time with their children than before. In 1990, fathers gave children only 43% of their time, but now this percentage is 65% on working days and 87% on weekends. Most of this time is spent on various care responsibilities that can bring the father closer to the child. Also it will help the father to feel like a real parent.

What is it worth to be a good father?

Now the man became a father. Despite the fact that he changed, he remained the same. He just had another wonderful lesson.

Being a father requires tremendous responsibility, and a man may want to do this job in the best possible way. This role is forever, and even when their own children grow up, and when they have their children (it's hard to imagine that this will ever happen to the newborn lying on their hands), the man will still remain a father. Knowing how to start and how to continue this for many years, is of great help. We should not accept the position "we will live - we will see" - it is necessary to act at once! This is the best training, besides, during this time, both the man and his child will learn.

A man should not be afraid to ask advice or ask for help if he needs it. Nobody becomes an expert at once - even his wife! And the appeal for advice in no way humiliates. In fact, a man is respected for having found the courage to ask for help.

A man should talk with other parents, especially with other fathers, about his doubts. Many of them had the same experience. Their solutions to some of the problems that a man may be worried about can help him not to be afraid or irritated. His increasing sense of understanding will strengthen the connection between the man and his child.

Connection with the child

Women 9 months are related to the child before his birth. Some researchers believe that a man can also feel this connection before birth. We talked about this in Chapter 5. Despite the fact that this relationship is very important for the mother and child, it is equally important for a man to feel it. It will allow a man to physically and emotionally contact his child. Usually this does not happen immediately, it is not a one-time event. Communication is one of the most important things by which a man realizes that it is his child.

The young father will take time to feel this relationship with the newborn. He can continue this soon after the birth of the child. To strengthen this connection, it is important to spend time alone with the child, to pick up and look into his eyes. The child's search while maintaining eye contact also strengthens this connection. Infants respond well to the human voice, so to strengthen this connection, you can sing to him and talk to him.

How to create a link

There are various techniques by which a man can feel the connection between him and his child. Some of them are described below. A man should try out those that he believes will help him. Do not worry about that it looks stupid - only you and your baby will know about it!

Father should lie on the bed on his side and put the child face to himself, also on his side. He should be pulled closer to him, so that he could feel his breath on his face. With him you can talk or sing to him, and also squeeze him.

Take the child so that his head is under the chin of his father (make sure that his chin is clean-shaven, so as not to prick the child). The father can swing from side to side and talk with the child or sing to him. The child will feel the breath of the father on his exhalation.

A father can put a child on his stomach along his arm and support his head and chin. In this case, the child's legs should hang over the sides of the father. You can keep him in this position or sit with him on a chair. If the father is moving, the child's head should be protected.

A father can lie with his child on the bed, take off his shirt and put it on his chest (naked or in diapers). This is one of the recommended postures for the formation of a connection between a child and parents. The head of the child should be rotated so that he can hear his father's heartbeat. You can relax together and enjoy the intimacy.

The child can be kept around the whole day, take it with him on trips, wear a "kangaroo" on his chest. If the child hears the voice of his father, inhales his individual smell and is close to him, it will help them to get closer.

When the child is older, you can keep close contact with him, holding him in your arms and / or rocking him. Physical contact with the son will not make him less manly when he grows up. Disclosure of one's feelings to a child is a great gift for him.

A wonderful way to form a connection with a child is to fulfill the duties of parents (feed him, change diapers, put him to bed). This is normal, when the father learns to swaddle, wash and dress the child! If the father will help his wife when he can, the relationship between him and the child will become stronger and they will know each other better.

POSITIVE PROPERTIES OF COMMUNICATION. There are many positive aspects for both the father and his child when they feel connected with each other. The child will be fine with his father. This is also useful for the physical health of the father. Studies have shown that joint relaxation with a child reduces the heart rate and blood pressure of the father. Communication is useful for both!

What should the father do?

There are many ways to assume paternity when a child is born. A man should read literature on child care, for example, our book "The First Year of the Child Week by Week" and other books and articles relating to those aspects of being a father about which a man may have questions. You should also practice what you have learned. It's good to be informed, but if a man does not apply this knowledge in practice, they will not help either the man's spouse or his child.

Many men have a mistaken belief that a woman instinctively knows how to care for a child. In some cases this is so, in others a woman may not have a clue about caring for a newborn. It should not be considered that the mother who had the first child was born will be better able to cope with it than the father. A man should be as active as her.

Below is a list of what many young fathers shared with us, saying that it helped them feel like fathers. A man should read it, discuss with his wife and check what will help him and his family.

A man should spend time with his wife and their child. Do not dig into the work to get away from the house. Both the woman and the child need male attention and time.

A man should understand that each of the parents brings their own in this situation. Decide who can do what, and share the responsibilities.

A man should do so that his wife has time for herself, especially if she spends the whole day sitting with her child at home. She needs a break, so take care of the child when she is resting. She should spend some time alone with her, go out for a walk, meet friends or just go to the store.

A man should give his wife to know when he needs time for himself. At this time, you can do something nice, for example, go to the gym, play bowling or meet friends. This will help him cope with stress.

A man should be visited by a pediatrician when he can do it. It is always good to learn from a specialist about the development of a child. If the changes will be useful to the child, this should be known to both spouses.

A man needs to take on some of the least pleasant duties of caring for a child, for example, to change diapers, to feed a child at 2 am and to calm (with hope!) A crying child. He does not have to do this all the time, but if you do it sometimes, the spouse will be grateful and respectful to him.

A man should know that caring for a child is quite difficult. His wife can be hard physically and emotionally recovering from pregnancy, combining this with the care of the child. It takes time, so you should offer her support.

You can take leave to care for the child. If a man stays at home with a child and takes care of him, it will help to get closer to the baby, meet the needs of his wife and become a good father.

A man should cope with his emotions. It may be difficult for him to cope with the mood swings of his wife, but if he cope, it will do a good job to both spouses and the problem will soon disappear.

A man can also feel depressed, and that's normal. Talk about it with your spouse, ask her about understanding, and try to find together finding a way out both.

If a man does not know something and wants to know about it, he should ask questions - his wife, friends and professionals. You need to listen carefully to the answers and pay attention to the details.

A man should ask a woman to react to his actions. After all, a man can not do anything until he learns how to do it.

A man should trust his instincts. They have both him and his wife. They already know enough about their baby and can instinctively understand what to look for. If it seems that something is wrong, maybe it is.

With the advent of the child, friends and relatives can become much more important than before. Do not give up adult activities and entertainment.

It should be understood that it is impossible to be prepared for anything.

Features to be aware of

Knowing some of the basics of childcare can greatly help if necessary. If a man is able to do what is indicated in the list below, in most cases he will be able to control the situation. And then you can relax and enjoy this activity.

You should know how to keep the baby. Always need to support and protect his head. The child can be held in his arms or laid on his shoulder.

You should know how to calm a crying child. When a man learns his child better, he will understand how to calm him down.

A man should ask his wife or someone else to teach him how to wash a child. In this case, the man will be able to wash the child when it is needed; it can also calm the baby if he cries.

You should learn how to properly feed the baby from the bottle. If a woman feeds a child with artificial compounds, a man can take on some feeding or do it all the time. If a woman is breastfeeding, a man will be able to feed the baby from the bottle when needed.

You should teach your child to sleep. This will help you know what you need to do when this duty falls on the shoulders of a man. And it will help to calm the child when he is riotous.

You should know how to walk with the child. And do it! A short walk down the street is a very good experience. A man should find out what exactly is needed during a walk and how to collect a bag with diapers.

[1], [2]

How to live with a child

With the advent of the child at home, the life of the spouses will change dramatically! We will have to make a lot of changes that affect the days, weeks, months and even years. Some of these changes will remain for many years. Others will be needed only until the child acquires a new physical or emotional status or develops enough; then new changes will be required. In this section, we indicate the ways in which you can make life with your child easier and more enjoyable.

The couple had to prepare for the appearance of the child a few months before. To feel like a family is wonderful!

The regime of the child's day affects his parents

During the first days and weeks of the child's stay at home, the couple may be surprised that everything he does is eat, sleep and wet or soak diapers. It should be given to the child to work out his own schedule. You can make changes to it when it grows and develops.

Spouses can find out that their child sleeps very much. It is normal for a child to be confused day and night, but usually it takes several weeks. But it is desirable that the day the child did not sleep and was active. This will help him in creating a daily routine.

In the first 4 weeks of life, a child can sleep 20 hours per day. You might be wondering if he will ever be awake long enough to know him. But every day, longer wakefulness. When he does not sleep, he should be undead and caress, and he will better and better recognize his parents and surroundings.

Enough sleep and food

When a child sleeps, it is important for both parents to try to rest well enough. Perhaps they will not manage to carve even 7 or 8 hours of intermittent sleep, but you can take a nap and go to bed earlier than usual to sleep. Studies have shown that even a few days of sleep deprivation increase the likelihood that a person will fall ill. Spouses need to be in good health to take care of the child.

The best thing that a spouse can do is to sleep or rest when the child is asleep. Even if basically only a man cares about him (maybe the mother is resting or doing something that helps her to relax), he should rest when the baby is sleeping.

If a man can not fall asleep, this is normal. Even a simple rest will help restore strength. It is necessary to lie down on the bed or on the couch and let the brain "swim away".

[3], [4], [5]

It is necessary to accept help

If the spouses are so lucky that they have relatives and friends who want to take care of the child, they should be allowed to do so. Many parents want to do everything themselves, but if someone offers help, it will give them the opportunity to do something else. Perhaps the couple will need rest or they just want to be alone with each other.

If someone asks the couple what can help, there are many things that the couple can let him do. It is always good to have a ready dinner in the fridge or freezer. Help in cleaning and washing is invaluable. Spouses can be grateful if someone looks after the child while they are resting or doing something else.

Useful changes related to home

The temperature in the house should be maintained at a convenient level. Do not need to be too warm, as this can damage all family members. It is best if the temperature in the house is maintained from 20 C to 21 C. The mood of the child can be an indicator of his well-being. If the child does not calm down after being taken in his arms or fed, he may be too cold or too hot.

Do not walk around the crumb on tiptoe. Normal house noise does not harm the child; if he hears it, he becomes less sensitive to it. Spouses will be able to find out that the child is best sleeping (and not only at home), if there are noises in the background.

REQUIRED PRECAUTIONS. It is also important to make the house safe for the child. Perhaps, the spouses do not think this is necessary, because their child is still small, but it is so. There are many things that are desirable to be done so that the child is safe from the first day of his stay at home.

No one can make the house completely safe for the child, but there are ways to make it less dangerous. Accidents can (and will) occur, and to prevent them, this should be remembered.

The distance between the rods of the arena should not be more than 6 cm (it is impossible to push a can of soda between them). The mattress should be close to the walls. It is not necessary to put anything in the arena, except for a bed and a child suitable for the arena (to reduce the risk of sudden child death syndrome).

• It is necessary that the arena is closed when the child is in it.
• Rattles and other toys for the arena must be out of the reach of the child. Perhaps, they will have to be removed until the child grows up enough.
• The arena must be far from windows, wall decorations, heating elements, furniture, which can be climbed, cords and other possible dangers.
• Never hang a nipple or other object around your neck.
• You can not leave a child alone in the water, even if its depth is only a few centimeters. The child can drown and at a depth of three centimeters, and in just a minute!
• You can not leave the child on the couch, bed, changing table or on the other surface, if there are no skirts. He can roll off it to the floor.
• Do not place the child's seat against the corner of the table if the child is in the seat.
• Always use seat belts.
• When handling child care items, always follow the instructions. Manufacturers are making it to ensure the safety of the child.
• Never take a child in your arms while cooking, or if a person drinks a hot drink or smokes a cigarette.

If the spouses want to warm the baby food in the microwave, the bottle should be shaken and the food mixed, to avoid the appearance of hot spots. Breast milk can not be heated in a microwave oven - this changes the immunological properties of milk.

You can not hang anything on the stroller.

Always need to prevent the child in the child seat for the car. It must be ensured that it complies with safety standards and is installed correctly. Remember all the details to notice the changes, if they happen.

Stairs and other places should be well lit.

On smooth surfaces, special non-slip mats should be placed to prevent falls.

In the cranes and shower should be installed anti-burn devices.

Common doubts of young fathers

Most young fathers have various doubts about how their life will change with the appearance of the child. This does not mean the end of life, which was a man's "before the birth of a child." It may be necessary to change something to cope with these changes. This is just another opportunity for development and learning. A man will find out that in fact these changes improve his family life. Some men learn that the best time for them is the time spent with their spouse and child.

Am I ready to be a father? If most of the young fathers are asked and they answer honestly, it turns out that none of them felt ready to accept this new role. Why? One of the reasons is the fear of the unknown. As we are parents, we know that no one can say what it looks like. At the same time, a man does not know the joy that comes with the realization that he has become a father, until he himself experiences it. Therefore, it should be understood that many young parents are subject to these doubts.

When a man realizes what is required of him as a father, his doubts may disappear. If a man simply begins to be a father, it will save him from many doubts. When he is involved in the work, the duties will cease to seem difficult to him and he will discover the pleasure of being a father.

CAN I CARE ABOUT THE CHILD? Many men are afraid that they will not be able to take care of the child; often caring for a child is something that a man can not do in principle. One of the best ways to cope with this doubt is to try and practice it. Practice is the best way to learn. In childbirth training courses, you can learn how to swaddle and bathe a child. If the spouses have friends or relatives with a newborn, you can ask them to check how they will look after him during the day or evening and at the same time apply their skills. This method is also good for a future mother.

OUR SPIRITUAL RELATIONS WILL NEVER BE STILL. In some ways, it's true. The relationship between the spouses has changed forever, but it's rather good. Now the spouses have become partners not only in life, but also in parenting, and their relationship will change, reflecting the changes and adaptations needed by both.

Both spouses should work to identify the positive aspects of being parents. This is discussed below, in the "conjugal relationship" section.

[6], [7], [8]

Spousal relations

Spouses may be interested in how exactly the birth of a child will affect their relationship. Will they be as close as they used to be? Will they ever have sex again? How can you keep the flame of passion?

It is necessary to be realistic about what is happening. The couple became parents, and this is a very important aspect of their relationship. But they also remain spouses - they were spouses before the birth of the child and, perhaps, will want to maintain those significant relationships. This should be worked on. Both spouses should maintain and keep in touch with each other. In this section, we tell you how exactly other married couples were able to maintain their relationship in the same situation.

You should treat each other tolerantly

Spouses usually do not believe that after months of pregnancy and stress associated with being addicted to life with a child, their marital relationship will ever return to its former course. Planning for time and effort can help. Sometimes you can reward yourself for your hard work, it helps.

One should think about the ways by which a man can support himself and his wife. The following recommendations will help spouses make their life together nicer.

GIVE A FRIEND TO A SPACE. Soon the couple will understand how valuable each of them is to have a little quiet time for themselves. At this time you can enjoy your work, work on your computer or play golf. A woman can enjoy a long "soaking" in the bathroom, spending time alone, reading or doing needlework. When each of the spouses has time for themselves, it helps them to restore their inner strength and desire to continue their marital relationship.

SUPPORT ANOTHER FRIEND. You can do to each other something special: to arrange a romantic dinner for two at home; hire a nanny or ask someone from friends and relatives to take care of the child, and at this time together go to the movies, to the theater or to a concert. Jointly spent time will give the couple an opportunity to renew their relationship.

MASSAGE WILL BE PLEASED TO OUR SPOUSES. If the spouses practiced massage techniques during pregnancy, it's time to apply them. To help each other relax. And also there are excellent books and videocassettes that can be found in the library or purchased at the store, they have instructions for "marital massage". We do not say anything about erotic massage; these techniques are designed to relax.

CURE WITH FEELINGS. For marital relations it is important that both spouses control their feelings. Three "K" are important for this: communication, compromise and cooperation.

If difficulties arise, you should start by expressing feelings. A man should be selective and convince his spouse to also become selective in this. Open communication will help both spouses. Problems should be discussed as soon as they arise, so that the spouses can deal with them; while you should be honest with each other in expressing your feelings and doubts. When making a decision, it is desirable to compromise (if possible) and, by cooperating together, turn the plan into reality.

Will we ever have sex again?

Perhaps one of the most important things that a man thinks about after the birth of his child is the restoration of sexual relations. Most men long for this aspect of marriage to return as soon as possible. However, most women after childbirth feel that sex will be too painful. They need to rest, enough sleep and return to normal life before thinking about sex again.

Sexual attraction of a woman, as well as a man, can be affected by stress, emotions and fatigue.

DO NOT FORGET TO CONTROL FERTILITY. During sex, one should not forget about precautions if the spouses do not want to immediately become pregnant again. A woman can become pregnant before her menstruation begins. It is important for her to discuss birth control with the spouse and with the doctor, in the hospital or during her 6-separate recovery period.

Joint work of parents

If the spouses begin to become parents by working together on this, they will achieve very good results. Separation of parental responsibilities and responsibilities is as equal as possible, making caring for the child easier for both spouses. Being a parent is a difficult job, and it can be very exciting. But the reward is great. Teamwork with a spouse can increase this return.

In fact, the spouses will naturally understand how to perform certain actions, and this is very useful. Working together (not shifting responsibilities to each other) will make the child's life integral. First, you need to agree that each of the spouses can have their own ways of doing this or that, but you need to be aware of what each of them does.

One of the most common areas of teamwork is disagreement; the spouses will not be able to agree with the other. Surely, understanding that each of them brings their own thoughts and feelings will help. Everyone can have their own perception of the situation. This can lead to problems if there are no ways to cope with these differences. You should discuss your expectations before the birth of your child. It is much easier to find out what a woman wants, before the stress of parental responsibilities has fallen on both spouses. Spouses may be surprised (pleasantly or unpleasantly) by how each of them perceives the role of the parent.

Spouses should share responsibilities. If they both participate in all aspects of caring for the child, it will be easier to perceive change.

Keep flexibility. Different people have different ways of doing the same thing, but they lead to the same results. Usually, there are many solutions to the problem, and you should be ready to perform actions in various ways. Perhaps the adoption of a "different" way, characteristic of a woman, will save the strength and nerves of a man.

Each other needs to be supported, even if the spouses have conflicting opinions on some issue. You should talk about different views on the situation and try to resolve it.

It is necessary to work on the emotional balance and support each other in striving to be a good parent.

What parents can learn from their child

Spouses may not believe that an infant who does not know how to lift a head and turn over, can teach them something. But it's amazing how many things one can learn from this baby, if the spouses have the time and the desire to learn. Here are some things about which parents told us that they learned this from their children.

Do not hurry. There is such a proverb - "Do not hurry, stop and smell the roses." If you do not stop hurrying, you will not be able to stop and sniff the roses. Spouses can, together with their child, find time to admire what gives them life. We need to live the moment, postpone (for a short while) cares about work, home and finances and enjoy what is happening at the moment!

Do not try to be perfect. With the advent of the child perfection flies into the pipe. This does not mean that spouses can not concentrate on something and do not try to be the best. We just say that perfection is not a necessity. A person can not be perfect, and if he tries to do it, he will waste his time, his strength and talents. Life also does not have to be perfect. And there are no perfect children - in fact, they should not be. Children learn from their mistakes. Therefore, you should relax and enjoy life, as well as the growth and changes that everyone is experiencing.

Continue trying, even if the goal seems impossible. Little children are great masters of second, third and fourth attempts. If they fail, they continue trying, because when they try to do something and suffer defeat, they get experience and learn. Adults can act the same way. The old adage says: "Defeat means only that an attempt has been made," and it certainly applies to young children. Perhaps it also applies to adults.

Postpartum depression syndrome

In the recent past around postnatal depression, a big uproar has risen: the problem, called postpartum depression syndrome, was discussed. Most people did not know what it was; many considered this a "small problem". Basically, this is really a small problem, and it can be quite easily handled. But at times it becomes more serious.

Many women experience signs of postpartum depression; in fact, about 80% of women are prone to anguish for a short period of time after the birth of the child. Longing usually lasts from 2 days to 2 weeks after the birth of the child. In this situation, it's good that this is a temporary phenomenon, passing as quickly as the emerging one.

Nowadays some doctors consider some signs of postpartum depression as the norm. Symptoms include excitability, lack of concentration, crying without reason, lack of feelings for the child, self-blame, low self-esteem, impatience, hypersensitivity, irritability and anxiety. We believe that this may be the reason for the woman's individual sensitivity to hormonal changes.

If a man believes that his wife has any form of postpartum depression, he should inform the doctor about it. Any postpartum depression, weak or strong, is usually temporary.

Forms of postpartum depression

The easiest form of postnatal depression is depression. In this case, the problem lasts for several weeks, and the symptoms do not deteriorate.

A more serious form of postpartum depression is called postpartum depression; it manifests itself in about 10% of the first-born mothers. The difference between anguish and postpartum depression lies in the frequency, strength and duration of manifestations. Sleep problems are a good distinction between these two forms. If a mother can sleep while someone else is caring for a child, she is likely to have a longing. If she can not fall asleep due to overexcitation, this is probably postpartum depression.

Postpartum depression can last from 2 weeks to one year after childbirth. Mother feels anger, embarrassment, panic and hopelessness, and her usual patterns of sleep and eating can change. She may be afraid that she will hurt the child, or feel as if she's going crazy. Excitability is one of the main signs of postpartum depression.

The most serious form of postpartum depression is postnatal psychosis. A woman may have hallucinations, she may think of suicide or try to harm a child.

[9], [10]

How to cope with the problem

One of the most important ways that will help to cope with this problem is to start supporting a woman even before the birth of a child. You can ask relatives and friends for help. It is desirable for a man to ask his mother or mother-in-law to live with them for a while. A man can take a small vacation at work to help around the house, or hire an incoming servant.

There is no special means against anguish, but there are ways by which a man can help his wife cope with drinking. You should ask others to help, convince the young mother to rest when the child is asleep, help her find other young mothers who find themselves in the same situation. It is necessary to let her know that it is not necessary to be perfect, to give her signs of attention and to support her in the desire to do not very heavy exercises every day. It is necessary to revise the diet so that the food is useful, and convince a woman to walk every day.

If a woman has a more severe form of postpartum depression than anguish, a man should go with her to see a doctor. At this visit, we should discuss possible actions. In the case of postpartum depression, drugs may be necessary. About 85% of women suffering from postpartum depression are taking medications.

Postpartum depression can affect a man

If a woman has longing or postpartum depression, this can affect a man. Recent studies have shown that about 3% of young fathers experience significant signs of depression after their wives' pregnancies. Studies have also shown that if a young mother is depressed, the likelihood that her husband will experience depression will increase significantly.

It is important for a man to get ready for this situation and understand that if he or his wife has depression, this is temporary. Other things that a man can do to help himself:

• Get professional help if you need it. This is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength and maturity.
• You should not personally perceive the position of a woman.
• Take care of yourself, eating well, enough rest and for sport.
• Be tolerant of a woman.
• Provide a woman with support and love during this difficult time. Ask her to provide the same for the man.