What should you do if your child has no friends?

Have you ever heard your child complain, "Nobody likes me!" or "They won't let me play with them!" Do you know how painful it is for a child to feel lonely? What to do if your child has no friends? How to help him find them?

Openness

Every friendship starts with some kind of sign that two people want to be friends. So, to make a friend, you need to show the other child that your child is interested in him or her and express openness to friendship with him or her. It is easier for preschoolers: they are naive and spontaneous, and sometimes ask directly: "Do you want to be my friend?" But older children cannot always show their interest directly. What should a child do then?

Greetings

A very simple way to make friends is to show them that you are open to them. Shy children often have problems with this. When another child says, "Hi!", shy children turn away or remain silent, or just mumble something in response. This happens because they feel awkward, but other children read this as a message: "I don't like you and don't want anything to do with you!" This is not how shy children feel, but it is how they communicate. This communication makes it very difficult to make friends, and the child is left all alone.

You can help your child learn to be open at least in greeting. This can be done through role-playing, where the child practices his or her behavior and the behavior of other children. Explain to your child that a friendly greeting includes eye contact, a warm smile, and speaking loudly enough for the other child to hear. Saying the other person's name after "hello" makes the greeting more personal.

Compliments

Compliments are another simple way that shows a child's readiness for friendship. He feels good when he gives sincere compliments, and we tend to like people who have such good taste as to appreciate our qualities!

Brainstorming with your child can help you come up with some good ways to compliment your classmates. Keep their compliments simple at first: "Your sweater is great!" or "That was a great goal," your child might say to another student who is good at basketball. "I like the way you painted the sky," you might say about a classmate's work. This will open up new opportunities for friendship.

Kindness

Even small acts of kindness can be a way to signal a desire to make friends. This could mean your child sharing a pencil with a classmate, or helping a classmate carry her school bag. Kindness tends to elicit kindness in return, and it is one of the best ways to start a friendship.

Research shows that children sometimes try to buy friends by giving them money or things. This certainly doesn't work. Other children may take these gifts, but they won't reciprocate and may even lose respect for your child. When you go shopping for friends with gifts, you may not get what you expected.

And here's another important piece of advice to give your child. Kindness is not about manipulating your friend or intentionally influencing them. Sometimes little kids get carried away and insist that their new friend play only with them. If the other child has completely different goals, they will soon get tired of this friendship. You may need to help your child find a less intrusive way to express their affection.

Is your friend like you?

Just because two children live in the same neighborhood or attend the same grade doesn’t mean they will be friends. One of the most striking findings that researchers have found when studying children’s friendships is that children befriend people they perceive as similar to themselves. Children are more likely to befriend children of the same age, gender, and ethnicity as themselves. Children can also be friends based on their interests, social skills, popularity, and achievements in school.

So, one of the important components of friendship is the formation of similarity. This term needs to be clarified. Similarity is attractive because children like it on a practical and emotional level. On a practical level, it is very convenient to have a friend who does the same things as you. For example, likes to solve math problems or play chess. On an emotional level, the similarity of a friend gives a feeling of comfort and trust.

Ask your child: "How can you tell that you have something in common with that boy (girl) over there?" The answers are the child's observations that will help him understand who he would like to be friends with.

Getting along with others doesn't mean your child has to be a clone of every other child. But it doesn't mean your child will ever be able to make friends with someone who has completely different interests. It just means that friendships start with some similar character traits or interests.

Attention-grabbing strategy

A schoolgirl once shared her strategy for making friends. "Just withdraw into yourself and look really, really sad. And then the kids will come to you." Well, that strategy might attract the attention of other girls and boys, but only once or twice, and it's hardly a good way to make friends. This schoolgirl just didn't understand that kids usually want to be around kids who are happy and having fun.

General fun

Another component of friendship is sharing in fun. This is supported by a classic study by psychologist John Gottman, who analyzed the emergence of friendships between children who did not know each other. Eighteen children aged three to nine gathered to play in a house for three days. The researchers found that the main indicator that the children were "getting along" was how well they were able to maintain a common play.

This is more complicated than it might seem at first glance. To enjoy interactions with peers, a child must behave in such a way that the other child will play with him, can communicate his likes and dislikes, and resolve any disagreements or avoid them. Of course. There are many options. When play does not go as expected: children may be offended by each other or not make peace with each other, snatch toys from other children, boss other children around, hit another child... all this interferes with the general fun. But it is the ability to resolve these situations that makes friendships between children successful.

Inviting children to play with you

Once your child has made initial progress in interacting with peers, either at school or outside of school, the best thing you can do to strengthen these friendships is to help your child invite other children to play. Before you have guests, talk to your child about how he or she can be a good host. Good hosts try to entertain guests and give them maximum attention, and try not to argue with guests. They also play with the guest, rather than abandoning them. If your child has toys that are too valuable, you are afraid of damaging them, put them in another room until guests arrive.

There may be awkward moments at the beginning of the game when one child asks, "So... What do you want to do?" and the other child responds, "I don't know. What do you want?" Try to prevent this situation by helping your child plan ahead. Your child can plan at least two variations of the game before the guests arrive.

Or, your child can tell his or her friend(s) in advance why he or she is inviting them over. For example, your child might ask another child to come over and bake cookies with him or her, ride bikes with him or her, play basketball, bowl, or go to the movies together. If it is fun and enjoyable for both, the other child will associate your child with fun, which makes the friendship stronger and more interesting.