Four of the grossest mistakes parents make when talking to their teenager

"Words can kill, words can save" - this phrase is especially relevant when parents talk to a teenager, who has a very vulnerable and fragile psyche. If parents talk to a teenager incorrectly, he will not only not hear them, but will do the opposite. Let's find out about the worst mistakes parents make when talking to teenagers.

Parents' struggle for power

Not many families have an upbringing based on the principle: “The child is everything.” A very common mistake of parents is to constantly put pressure on the child and impose their will on him: this is what you can do, but this is what you can’t. Parents use authoritarian upbringing strategies that do not allow the child to express his independent voice or sense of responsibility for his own decisions.

Other parents, on the contrary, practice permissiveness. Research shows that both extremes negatively affect children's ability to control their emotions and form healthy relationships with adults. The best type of parenting is fair, flexible, respectful of your teenager and constant training, not terrorizing them to achieve your goal. You need to listen and respect your child's opinion, allowing them to make choices, but at the same time set fair and clear limits to maintain order in the house. This article will tell you how to avoid ineffective communication methods in the conversation of parents with teenagers.

Mistake #1: Too much chatter

When parents talk more and more, and in a harsh, demanding tone, children stop listening and perceiving them. Researchers have shown that the human brain can only perceive two theses at a time and store them in its short-term memory. In practice, this takes about 30 seconds - that is, one or two phrases from the parents.

When a mother or father gives several instructions at once in one message, the child will eventually become confused and will not understand anything from the parents' instructions. In addition, if the parents' tone is alarming, harsh or demanding, the child will subconsciously feel anxious and doubtful. He will not want to comply with such demands at all.

Ineffective conversation example

"This month you can sign up for boxing, and you have to wash your own dishes every day, and it's too early for you to go to kickboxing. The day after tomorrow we'll have guests, and you have to help your mom clean the apartment."

Don't tell your child all the information at once. It's best to break it down into separate blocks so that the information is more digestible. Let the teenager express his opinion on one issue, and then you can move on to the second.

Effective conversation example

1. "You can sign up for boxing this month, but it's too early for you to go to kickboxing. Do you agree?"
2. "You should wash your dishes every day because mom is tired after work, save her and your time. What do you think about this?"
3. "We'll have guests the day after tomorrow, and you should help Mom clean the apartment. Do you have any plans for the day after tomorrow, 3:00 p.m.?"

In this example, the parents limit the conversation to two sentences in each block, which makes perception much easier. In addition, there is a reasonable dialogue, and not a one-sided dictate of the parents. Finally, the child agrees to cooperate voluntarily, and not under pressure, while his needs are also taken into account.

Mistake #2: Reproaches and constant criticism

Most parents are familiar with the situation when a child has to be woken up for a long time in the morning, or he throws his things around the apartment, or comes home from school late. And then they use what they consider an effective method: they complain about the teenager’s bad attitude or sharply criticize him. In fact, this only makes the situation worse: you give teenagers a reason to ignore you, because every day you never tire of repeating the same thing to your child, and in the most disgusting tone.

Ineffective conversation example

"I woke you up an hour early because you can never get ready on time. You need to get dressed right now. Show me your diary so I can sign it.

Ten minutes later.

"I told you to get dressed and give me your diary. And you're still getting ready! You'll be late, and so will I! Go brush your teeth and get your clothes ready."

In ten minutes.

"Where is your diary for me to sign? I asked you to bring it? And you haven't finished getting dressed. We're definitely going to be late."

And so on.

This parent gives too many different tasks to the child, and everything needs to be done immediately and at once. This does not allow the teenager to cope with the situation. Because every 10 minutes the parent rushes him, introducing anxiety and panic into the process of getting ready. This is the so-called "helicopter education", which can lead to insecurity, excessive dependence of the teenager on the commands of the parents. The tone of the parental message is negative and intrusive, which leads to discontent and resistance of the teenager or his passive aggression.

Effective conversation example

"We have 45 minutes left before leaving for school. If you don't have time to get ready and give me your diary to sign, you'll have to explain your lateness to the teachers yourself."

This is a brief instruction that makes it clear what the parent expects from the child and what the consequences of not completing the task are. The parent does not judge the child, does not try to control him or her, and does not create a situation of anxiety and panic. The parent allows the teenager to be responsible for his or her own behavior.

Mistake #3: "Shame on you!"

One of the most difficult ideas for parents to grasp is that children do not have empathy for their needs. Children develop their empathy slowly as they grow older. That is why parents' expectations that their children will sympathize with them and help them in everything are not always justified simply due to the peculiarities of the psychological development of adolescents.

They are still just kids – they don’t take your side or put themselves in your shoes, but are focused on enjoying the moment. Most parents emphasize that their children are selfish, caring only about themselves. In principle, this is true. This can lead to parental dissatisfaction when children do not want to help them with something. At such moments, it is important to calm down, take a deep breath, and then calmly express your wishes and requests to the child, what exactly you need help with now. If you allow emotions to break loose, this will make your communication with the teenager ineffective.

Ineffective conversation example

"I've asked you several times to tidy up your room - and what do I see? Things are scattered all over the floor. Can't you see that I'm on my feet all day, taking care of the family, and you do nothing. Now I have to clean up your room instead of relaxing after work. Aren't you ashamed, why are you so selfish?"

This parent creates a lot of negative energy. We can all be disappointed in the behavior of another, but blaming a teenager is disrespectful. He hears a subconscious challenge from the phrase “You are selfish!” and this is very harmful to the child’s psyche and self-esteem. Gradually, the father or mother instills in him that something is wrong with him. Children pick up and absorb these negative labels and begin to see themselves as “not good enough”, “selfish”. Humiliating or shaming a child is very harmful, as it can form negative emotions and a poor opinion of the child about himself.

Effective conversation example

"I see that your room is not cleaned, and this upsets me very much. It is important for us to have order in the apartment, so that all of us can live here pleasantly. All the things scattered around the room will have to be sent to the storage room tonight. You can take them back when you clean your room."

This parent clearly communicates feelings and needs to the teen – without anger or blame. They explain clear, but not overly punitive, consequences for the teen’s behavior and provide the teen with opportunities to rehabilitate. This does not create negative motivation in the teen or make him feel bad.

Mistake #4: “I can’t hear you.”

We all want to teach our children to respect other people. The best way to do this is to model respectful and caring behavior on our part. This will help your teen understand the meaning of respect and empathy and teach them effective communication skills. In many cases, listening to a child is the hardest thing for parents to do because their children often interrupt them. In this case, it is okay to say to your child, “It’s hard for me to hear you now because I’m making dinner, but I’ll be ready to listen carefully in 10 minutes.” It is better to schedule a clear time to talk to your child than to listen half-heartedly or not at all. But remember, it is hard for a teenager to wait for a long time because they may forget what they wanted to say or they may not be in the right mood.

Ineffective conversation example

In response to a teenager's story about his grades at school, the parent replies: "Can you imagine? They actually scored that goal!"

Effective conversation example

"I'm ready to listen to you carefully in 10 minutes, as soon as I finish watching football."

Talking to a teenager is a subtle art. But it can be mastered simply by being attentive to your child. And you will definitely succeed.