The four most blatant errors parents made in talking with a teenager

"You can kill a word, you can save a word" - this phrase is especially relevant when talking with parents with a teenager who has a very vulnerable and frail psyche. If parents talk to a teenage child incorrectly, he will not only not hear them, but he will do the opposite. Let's find out about the gross mistakes of parents in talking with teenagers.

The struggle of parents for power

Not in many families there is education on the principle: "The child is everything". A very common mistake of parents is to constantly press on the child and impose their will on him: that's what you can do, but that's not allowed. Parents use authoritarian strategies of upbringing, which do not allow the child to show his independent voice or sense of responsibility for his own decisions.

Other parents, on the contrary, practice permissiveness. Studies show that both extremes negatively affect the ability of children to control their emotions and form healthy relationships with adults. The best type of education is justice, flexibility, respect for your teenage child and their constant training, and not terror for achieving your goal. It is necessary to listen and respect the opinion of the child, allowing him to make choices, but at the same time establish fair and precise restrictions in order to maintain order in the house. This article will tell you how to avoid ineffective ways to communicate in parents' conversation with adolescents.

Mistake # 1. Too much talk

When parents say more and more, and in a sharp demanding tone, children stop listening to them and perceive them. Researchers have shown that the human brain can simultaneously perceive only two theses and save them in their short-term memory. In practice, it takes about 30 seconds - that is, one or two phrases of the parents.

When in one message a mother or father gives several instructions at once, the child will eventually get confused and do not understand anything from the parental teachings. In addition, if the tone of the parents is alarming, harsh or demanding, the child on the subconscious has anxiety and doubt. He does not want to fulfill such demands at all.

Ineffective example of conversation

"This month you can sign up for boxing, in addition, every day you have to wash the dishes, and kickboxing you go still early. The day after tomorrow we will have guests, and you must help your mother clean the apartment. "

It is not necessary to inform the child all the information at once. It is best to break it into separate blocks so that this information is more digestible. Let the teenager express his opinion on one issue, and then you can move on to the second.

An Effective Example of a Conversation

1. "You can sign up for boxing this month, and it's too early to go kickboxing." Do you agree? "
2. "Every day you should wash your dishes, because your mother gets tired after work, save her and your time." What do you think about this? "
3. "The day after tomorrow, we will have guests, and you must help your mother clean the apartment." "Do you have any plans for the day after tomorrow, 15.00?"

In this example, the parents in each block restrict the conversation to two sentences, which makes perception much easier. In addition, there is a reasonable dialogue, and not a one-sided dictate of the parents. Finally, the child agrees to cooperate voluntarily, and not under pressure, while taking into account his needs.

Mistake # 2. Reproaches and constant criticism

Most parents are familiar with the situation when a child has to wake up for a long time in the morning, or he throws his things around the apartment, or does not arrive on time from school. And then they use an effective, in their opinion, reception: complain about a bad attitude of a teenager or sharply criticize him. In fact, this only worsens the situation: you give reason to adolescents to ignore you, because every day you do not tire your child to repeat the same thing, and in the most opposite tone.

Ineffective example of conversation

"I woke you up an hour earlier, because you can never get ready on time." "You need to get dressed right now." Show me your diary so I can sign it.

Ten minutes later.

"I told you to get dressed and give me a diary.And you're still gonna, you'll be late, and I'm with you, go brush your teeth and prepare your clothes"

In ten minutes.

"Where's your diary for the signature, I asked you to bring it in? And you did not finish dressing, we'll just be late."

And so on.

This parent gives too many diverse tasks to the child, and everything must be done immediately and immediately. This does not allow the teenager to cope with the situation. Because every 10 minutes the parent hurries him, bringing anxiety and panic to the collection process. This is the so-called "education helicopter", which can lead to insecurity, excessive dependence of the teenager on the parents' teams. The tone of the parental message is negative and intrusive, which leads to discontent and resistance of the teenager or his passive aggression.

An Effective Example of a Conversation

"Before leaving for school, we have 45 minutes left.If you do not have time to get together and give me a diary for your signature, you'll explain your delay to teachers yourself."

This is a short instruction that makes it clear what the parent expects from the child and what are the consequences of failing to complete the assignment. The parent does not condemn the child, does not try to control it, and does not create a situation of anxiety and panic. The parent allows the teenager to be responsible for his own behavior.

Mistake # 3. "Let you be ashamed!"

One of the most difficult ideas for parents is that children do not have sympathy for their needs. Children develop their empathy (propensity for empathy) slowly, as they grow up. That is why parents' expectations that children will sympathize with them and help them in every way, are not always justified simply because of the peculiarities of the psychological development of adolescents.

They are still just children - they do not stand by your side and do not put themselves in your place, but focus on having fun at the moment. Most parents emphasize that their children are selfish, care only about themselves. In principle, so it is. This can lead to discontent of parents when the children want to help them in some way. In such moments it is important to calm down, take a deep breathe, and then calmly express your wishes and request to the child, in what exactly do you need to help now. If you allow emotion to break, it will make your communication with the teenager ineffective.

Ineffective example of conversation

"I asked you to tidy up your room several times - and what do I see? Things are scattered all over the floor. Do not you see that all day on my feet, I care about the family, and you do nothing." Now I'll have to clean your room, instead of having a rest after work.How do you not feel ashamed, why are you so selfish? "

This parent creates a lot of negative energy. We all can be disappointed in the behavior of another, but it's disrespectful to blame the teenager. He hears a subconscious call because of the phrase "You are an egoist!", And this is very harmful for the psyche and self-esteem of the child. Gradually, father or mother impressed upon him that something was wrong with him. Children pick up and absorb these negative labels and begin to see themselves as "not good enough", "selfish." To humiliate or shame a child is very harmful, because it can form negative emotions and a bad opinion of the child about oneself.

An Effective Example of a Conversation

"I see your room is not cleaned up, and it's very frustrating for me." It's important for us that the apartment be in order, so that we all have a pleasant life here. "All the things scattered around the room will have to be sent to the storeroom tonight. , when you clean up in your room. "

This parent clearly communicates to the adolescent about his feelings and needs - without anger or accusation. He explains the clear, but not excessively punitive consequences of the behavior of the adolescent and provides an opportunity for the child to be rehabilitated. This does not create a negative motivation for a teenager and does not make him think that he is bad.

Mistake # 4. "I can not hear you"

We all would like to teach our children to respect other people. The best way to do this is to form respectful and caring behavior on our part. This will help the teenager understand the importance of respect and empathy and teaches him the skills of effective communication. In many cases, hearing a child is most difficult for parents, because children often interrupt them. In this case, it's okay to tell the child "It's hard for me to hear you right now, because I'm preparing dinner, but I'll be ready to listen carefully to you in 10 minutes." It's better to plan a clear time for communicating with the child than to listen to him in half or not to listen at all. But remember, it's hard for a teenager to wait a long time, because they can forget what they want to say, or they will not have the same mood.

Ineffective example of conversation

In response to the story of a teenager about his assessments at school, the parent answers: "Imagine. They still scored this goal! "

An Effective Example of a Conversation

"I'm ready to listen carefully to you in 10 minutes, as soon as I watch the football."

Talking with a teenager is a subtle art. But it can be learned simply by being attentive to your child. And you will certainly succeed.