Why there is a conflict between an adult and an adolescent?
Teenagers in our country are children from 12 to 17 years. This piece of life for children is divided into three periods - the younger adolescence (12-13), the average adolescence (13-16) and the older adolescence - from 16 to 17 years.
The adolescent age is characterized by increased maximalism, vulnerability and the desire to prove to the whole world the value of one's personality. Therefore, the teenager tries to listen less to adults (even not to listen at all) and more - peers whose opinion becomes archival for the child. At the same time, the adult remains in perplexity: Yesterday Vasenka or Lenochka, who listened to every mother's daddy's word, today are arguing and proving their own opinion.
In addition to the psychological characteristics of adolescence, the conflict between parents and adolescent children is influenced by misunderstanding between the two sides. For example, the pope says: "Turn off the light and go to bed, it's too late" -dad means that it is harmful for a child to sit at the computer, and the child hears in this phrase another: the father limits his freedom. Therefore it is desirable to communicate with the teenager as patiently as possible, to explain to him what exactly you meant when asked the teenager to do this or that.
If the tone of an adult rises, the children instantly recognize it. Irritation, anger, aggression - all this catches the sensitive ear of the child, even if the father or mother try to speak calmly. As soon as a teenager feels that an adult is trying to make him into something guilty, he instantly bristles and begins to contradict adults in any way. Therefore, try to talk with your child as calmly as possible, be polite with them, so that a socially immature person still feels respect for themselves.
Importance of the opinion of a teenager
If you do not know how to solve this or that situation, honestly refer to the child and ask his opinion. The child will express his feelings, and you will get a full conversation, not accusations unilaterally. If you have any doubts, tell them to your child. Then he will understand that before him is not unquestioned authority, but a man with his thoughts and feelings, doubts, the same as a child. And it will be more willing to listen to the opinion of adults.
To keep a particular situation under control, it is not necessary to seek the consent of the child at any cost to a particular step. A teenager should be able to choose. It is very important for them now, it is much more important than for the father or mother to achieve their own requirements. Therefore, at this stage (during adolescence) it is very important to talk with the child more, and not to demand from him.
If the child does not need to obey, he will not need to rebel against the "outdated" foundations that adults "impose". Excessive criticism and the requirement of a teenager to be in everything perfect are rather harmful than useful. Ideal you will not achieve, but very quickly set up the child against yourself.
In addition, adults should feel and recognize when the child needs advice, and when the child "takes on trial": can I talk to my dad and mom about this or that. Very well, if the circle of topics that parents can discuss with a teenager, will be as diverse as possible.
How to call a teenager into a frank conversation
Very often in adolescence, a child compares his model of behavior with the model of peer behavior. He can come from school and talk about how he behaved in the class of Vasya. He does not express his opinion, this is a test of the parental opinion. In this case, a big error of the parents will immediately rush into bayonets at poor Vasya, scold him and finish the conversation "But here I am in due time ..." The child will become angry and begin to think that the model of parental behavior in this, and in the following cases, will not be.
The correct behavior of parents is to call a teenager into a frank conversation. Two main questions that they should ask the child: "What do you think about Vasya's behavior" and "Why do you think so?" And the third, no less important question: "What would you do?"
If such conversations are conducted with teenagers all the time, the child will not conceal his feelings and intentions from adults, and you will always be able to react in time if your son or daughter starts having difficulties with something. For example, with how to behave in a particular company. The main task of parents is to preserve the precious opportunity to communicate frankly with the child, regardless of the circumstances in which he fell. The feeling of a constant connection with parents, the feeling that they will always understand and listen to him, is much more important for a teenager than a model of subordination and authoritarianism. The feeling that the child will always be understood, gives him greater self-confidence and communication with peers, the child's social role becomes more and more stable and stable.
When he becomes an adult, he will be firmly confident in himself and the same attitude will be transferred to communication with an adult collective. The career and personal life of such a teenager will evolve much more successfully.
How to say gently to a teenager "no"
Of course, parents can not constantly agree with the child, because this will not strengthen their authority, but, on the contrary, will destroy. First of all, parents should be honest with their son or daughter. But to say to a teenager "no" should also be able to. There are many phrases with which you can tell the child that you do not agree with his opinion or that you do not like it. First, you need to listen to the child without interrupting, even if it, in your opinion, bears complete nonsense. And, if you do not agree with his opinion or act, be cautious: "I would most likely have acted differently." The child will certainly have a question, like.
Or tell a teenager: "I can not agree with you, although, perhaps, there is something in this. But the situation can be approached more effectively. " And discuss with the child a plan for the development of the situation, considering and respecting his opinion. Or say one more magic phrase: "I have a different opinion, but I respect yours. You can do as you see fit. Although it would be more useful ... "
Thus, you do the most important thing: show the child how you respect him, and do not impose your own opinion, but also give your own position. Then the child at you learns what to defend and have own opinion is normally, it not necessarily should coincide with opinion of the authority greatest for it.
If the child does not contradict openly, he will not need and most importantly - the temptation - to resist. Communicate with a teenager is not an easy task, but you will undoubtedly cope.