Striving to be “perfect” leads to unhealthy consequences for both parents and children

Is it possible to achieve the status of an “ideal parent”?

Researchers leading the national dialogue on parent burnout from The Ohio State University College of Medicine and the university's Office of the University's Chief Wellness Officer say no, and new research shows that the pressure to be "perfect" leads to unhealthy consequences for both parents. And for their children.

A survey of more than 700 parents nationwide from June 15 to July 28, 2023 is featured in the new report, The Power of Positive Parenting: Evidence to Help Parents and Their Children Thrive. The data shows that:

1. Fifty-seven percent (57%) of parents reported burnout.
2. Parental burnout is closely related to internal and external expectations, including feelings of competence as a parent, perceived judgment from others, play time with children, relationship with spouse, and keeping a clean home.
3. The more time parents spend with their children in free play and the less structured extracurricular activities, the fewer mental health problems children have (eg, anxiety, depression, OCD, ADHD, bipolar disorder).
4. Parents' mental health and behavior greatly influence the mental health of their children. When children have mental health disorders, parents report higher levels of burnout and a greater likelihood of insulting, criticizing, yelling, swearing, and/or physically punishing children (eg, frequent spanking). Higher levels of self-reported parental burnout and harsh parenting methods are associated with more mental health problems in children.

Kate Gawlik, DNP, one of the study's lead investigators, who is leading the study based on her experience as a working mother of four, said the illusion and expectations of "perfect parenting" can be discouraging.

"I think social media has really tipped the scales," said Gawlik, an assistant professor at Ohio State College of Nursing. "You can look at people on Instagram or even just see people on the street, and I always think, 'How do they do this? How do they always seem so put together when I can't do it?'

"We have high expectations of ourselves as parents; we have high expectations of what our children should do. And on the other hand, you compare yourself to other people, other families, and there is a lot of judgment. It doesn't matter, Whether it's intentional or not, it still exists."

Research data shows that the pressure of expectations, which Gavlik calls the “culture of achievement,” leads to burnout (a state of physical and emotional exhaustion), which in turn leads to other, potentially disabling problems.

When parents burn out, they have more depression, anxiety and stress, but their children also behave less emotionally. So it's important to face your true story if you're burning out as a parent and do something about it to care for yourself better."

Bernadette Melnick, Ph.D., FAAN, Vice President of Health and Chief Wellness Officer at Ohio State

Hawlik and Melnik's new report brings critical updates to their original 2022 study, which measured burnout among working parents during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic. Gavlik and Melnik created the first-of-its-kind Working Parent Burnout Scale, a 10-point questionnaire that allows parents to measure their burnout in real time and use evidence-based solutions to help.

This scale is included in the new report, along with new recommendations for positive parenting strategies, techniques, and tips for strengthening deep connections with your children.

"Positive parenting is when you give your children a lot of love and warmth, but also provide structure and guidance in their lives," Melnick explained. "You gently learn to show them the consequences of behavior. Therefore, it is better to strive to be a positive parent than a perfect one."

Among the strategies:

• Communication and active listening
• Noticing, checking and changing negative thoughts to positive ones
• Adjusting expectations for parents and children
• Reflection and action in accordance with priorities

"If you may be prioritizing keeping your home squeaky clean, but feel like you don't have time to hang out with the kids every night, you may need to reorganize your routine or find a way to combine the two," Gavlik suggested..

Melnick said these data-driven approaches could help calm what she calls the "public health epidemic" of parent burnout.

"Parents do a great job of taking care of their children and everyone else, but they often don't prioritize their own care," Melnick said. "As parents, we can't constantly draw from an empty jug. If children see their parents taking good care of themselves, they are more likely to grow up with that value too. This has a ripple effect on the children and the entire family."

"As one parent said to me," Gavlik added, "'I'd rather have a happy child than a perfect child.'"