"Sleep Divorce": Can Sleeping Separately from Your Partner Help You Sleep Better?

Several hundred years ago, it was common among European aristocracy for spouses to have separate bedrooms. Sleeping in separate rooms was considered a sign of luxury and status, available only to royal families and the very rich.

Today, most married couples and couples in relationships are used to sleeping together in the same bed. However, sometimes – for reasons such as schedule conflicts, snoring, or sleep talking – partners decide to sleep separately in order to get a better night's sleep.

This phenomenon is known as a "sleepy divorce." Although I prefer the term "sleeping apart" because it's not necessarily a permanent solution - more on that later.

Why do couples choose to sleep separately?

Spouses may decide to sleep separately if one's sleep disturbs the other's or if both constantly wake each other up. There may be many reasons for this:

• frequent awakenings at night,
• different "biological clocks" (for example, one goes to bed much later than the other),
• mismatch of schedules (for example, due to shift work),
• snoring, twitching legs, or talking in your sleep.

Parents with babies and young children may also choose to sleep separately to avoid both partners being constantly awakened.

Sometimes the reason is different preferences for sleeping conditions: one likes coolness and a fan, while another needs warm air.

What are the benefits of sleeping alone?

Many couples claim that they enjoy sleeping together and get better sleep when they are with their partner.

But when scientists measure sleep objectively (such as with electroencephalography (EEG), which tracks brain waves), the data show poorer sleep quality when co-sleeping. It turns out that sleeping alone may mean deeper, longer rest.

Research also shows that if one partner has a sleep disorder (such as insomnia or sleep apnea, when breathing stops at night), they often unwittingly wake up the other. In such cases, sleeping separately can be beneficial.

Additionally, sleep disturbances are associated with lower relationship satisfaction, so sleeping in separate beds may actually make a couple happier.

Finally, those who struggle with insomnia often experience anxiety about waking their partner or being woken themselves. For these people, sleeping in a separate room can significantly reduce stress.

Are there any downsides to sleeping separately?

Some people do not like sleeping alone - they note that they feel comfort, security and warmth next to a partner, but without him they feel lonely.

In addition, sleeping separately requires two rooms or at least two beds, and many couples simply do not have this option.

Sleeping apart is often stigmatized, with many believing it is a sign of the “death” of intimacy. But fewer nights together does not necessarily mean the end of intimacy.

Sometimes couples who sleep separately have more sex: quality sleep is known to improve mood and increase the desire to be intimate. Sleeping separately may even give you more energy for intimacy.

Still, if you decide to sleep separately, it's important to discuss it openly and make time for physical and emotional intimacy. One client said he and his partner agreed to "guest visits": he would come to her bed before bed or in the morning.

Who should consider sleeping separately?

Sleep splitting may be right for you if:

• you wake each other up at night,
• you have small children,
• Your preferences for temperature, lighting and noise levels vary greatly.

If sleeping separately is not possible, you can try to reduce mutual anxiety: use an eye mask, earplugs, or white noise.

Sleeping separately can be a flexible solution – you don’t have to sleep separately every night. For example, some couples choose to sleep separately on weekdays and share a bed on weekends.

Finally, if any of you have persistent sleep problems – snoring, insomnia, or strange sleep behavior (such as screaming or pacing) – it’s worth seeing a doctor, as this could be a sign of an underlying sleep disorder.