Parental acceptance in childhood predicts the ability to forgive in adulthood

The ability to forgive and forget may not be as easily achieved for some as for others, according to new research that suggests the skill develops in people thanks to the strength of their early relationships with their parents.

A study of nearly 1,500 adolescents and adults in five predominantly Muslim countries found that parental acceptance in childhood was associated with a predisposition to forgiveness in adulthood, while rejection by a mother, father, or both parents led to a predisposition to vengeance as an adult.

This finding doesn't surprise Ronald P. Rohner, professor emeritus at the University of Connecticut and director of the Center for the Study of Interpersonal Acceptance and Rejection, based on his 60 years of research into human relationships around the world.

"Understanding how we perceive feelings of care or lack thereof is critical to predicting our behavior, which often goes beyond our expectations," he says.

"For example, we found that the concept of God among adults who were rejected as children was qualitatively different from the concept of God among those who were accepted," Rohner adds.

"Feeling loved or unloved as a child continues to influence your preferences in art and music. These predispositions are not mere coincidences."

Having studied the responses of several hundred thousand people over a six-decade career, Rohner argues that, almost without exception, people everywhere—regardless of gender, race, and culture—know whether they are cared for or not in the same four ways.

And when they don't feel loved, a whole host of 10 things typically happen, including anxiety, insecurity, and anger, which can lead to things like suicidal thoughts and substance abuse.

A recent study by Samblyn Ali, PhD ’21, along with Rohner and HDFS professor Preston A. Britner, placed a group of young adults who had experienced parental rejection as children into an MRI scanner and showed them a virtual experience designed to evoke feelings of rejection. Immediately, pain receptors in the brain were activated.

"When someone hurts your feelings, it's not just a metaphor. It's pain," says Rohner, who has taught in the anthropology and developmental and family sciences (HDFS) departments at the University of Connecticut.

"The difference with physical pain is that you remember your foot hurt when you kicked it three weeks ago, but you don't feel the pain," he continues. "With rejection, every time you think about it, your brain can be activated in the same way it was when you first experienced it. The experience of rejection as a child can haunt you for the rest of your life."

The religious aspect of forgiveness

It's all part of Rohner's interpersonal acceptance-rejection theory, known as IPARTheory. It's an evidence-based theory of socialization and development across the lifespan.

Rohner says he recently began to wonder whether parental acceptance influences forgiveness, and he and Ali approached researchers with an international request to collaborate to explore the question.

The loudest response came from colleagues in predominantly Muslim countries: Bangladesh, Egypt, Iran, Pakistan and Turkey.

Rohner and Ali, along with Jennifer Lansford of Duke University, collected data from partners in these regions, publishing a paper, "Memories of Parental Acceptance and Rejection Predict Forgiveness and Revenge in the Muslim World: Introduction and Review," in The Journal of Genetic Psychology.

This article, one of the few in recent years to consider forgiveness and revenge, is part of a special issue of the journal published this month and edited by Rohner and Ali.